2011

Twenty Eleven.  It's just about here.  Another 45 minutes...

Christmas was good.  My family (dad, brother and sister) played in a boxing day curling event.  Joel took the lovely photo of us below... don't know why it's so fuzzy - Joel must either have had it on a weird setting, or I need a new camera for my surgery present.  Do I get surgery presents?  I think I should!  Yay! More Presents!!

We had lots of fun curling... or at least I did - maybe besides all the sweeping.  I love my family.  LOVE YOU!!

2011 is sure to be an interesting year.  My boss' adoption finally went through.  Everything is ready.  They leave on January 10th to pick up their little guy in Africa.  FINALLY.  Incredible.   At work I'll be training Dawn and "the new girl" Kristina to do my job while I'm away... January 6th is my pre-surgery assessment clinic where they make sure I'm ready and prepped for the big day - they said be prepared for like 4 - 5 hours at the hospital... oh, fun!  It's also likely my last curling day for a while and my last piano lesson for a few weeks too.  On the 7th we're going out with some friends for drinks and on the 12th mom and dad are coming.  We're going out for my "last supper" of sorts - the last one before I figure my life will be forever changed in some way.  Just how changed exactly will be known in the weeks following ... there's no avoiding the 13th - the BIG day.  Less than 2 weeks away now.  Have to be at the hospital before 6:30am.  Yawn.  So many mixed emotions about the whole thing.

Guess I don't have much to say right now, other than Happy New Year.  Joel's gone to bed already (has to work tomorrow) so I guess I'll kiss the kitties at the stroke of 12 instead.

See ya soon,
Me

Lovely, Sad Song

Every now and then, when I'm feeling sad, I want to listen to a song equally sad.  I probably should be listening to something cheerful I know, but there is something theraputic that I find about listening to a sad song every now and then...with no distractions... just the song, sitting calmly somewhere by myself, taking a few minutes to let myself be sad before picking myself back up again.

The perfect song for this, is "Hangin' By A Thread".  Thanks Jann.

When I cry, I close my eyes

And every tear falls down inside

And I pray with all my might

That I will find my heart in someone's arms

When I cry, cry

When I cry, when I am sad

I think of every awful thing I ever did

When I cry, there is no love

No, there is nothing that can comfort me enough

When I cry

Cry, cry

(chorus)

The salt inside my body ruins

Everyone I come close to

My hands are barely holding up my head

Oh, I'm so tired of looking at my feet

And all the secrets that I keep

My heart is barely hangin' by a thread

Hangin' by a thread

Oh, look at me

At all I've done

I've lost so many things that I so dearly love

I lost my soul

I lost my pride

Oh, I lost any hope of having a good life

So I cry

Cry, cry

(chorus)

I miss you all

I wish I was

With you now

I wish I was

Christmas Time!

Well, I have to start off by saying that my husband is the bestest most smartest husband ever because he figured out how I could post pictures on my blog from home!  I don't know why it wasn't working before, but no matter what I tried it didn't work... and now it does.  Thank you Joel!!

Secondly, Christmas has officially arrived at the McNair residence.  We didn't put up our Christmas tree until December 12th - way later than we normally do... and to be honest, my heart just wasn't in it.  I wasn't in the mood to celebrate Christmas this year, and had I lived alone, I'm sure no tree would have gone up.  As it was, I just watched Joel put it up.  I eventually ended up handing him the decorations, but I didn't actually decorate anything - except the 3 dragonfly ornaments that we have that are symbolically meaning to me.  He made me put those ones up and I did...

Putting up the tree has helped lift my spirits and is helping me get into the Christmas spirit... helping me focus on something other than the surgery which happens to be now just under 1 month away by the way!  Holy - 1 month away!

Anyway - here's our pretty silver and blue tree - which no picture can ever quite capture (maybe if you are a photographer I suppose, but for amateur me, not so much)....

Thank you Joel for putting up the tree   :)



Surgery Date

So, just found out the "big day" is Thursday, January 13.  I have to be at the admitting desk at the hospital by 6:30am.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!  That means I have to leave my house by 6.  Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!  I told the lady I was just going to sleep overnight at the hospital instead, haha!

It makes it a bit scarier to have a date now that's for sure.  I'm sure I'll quit shaking any second now.....

Medical Update

Hey Everyone:

So my appointment was today with my Urologist, Dr. Peter Lau (kidney/urinary tract specialist)... there will be a few days delay in my posting this blog entry because I don't intend to post it before going to my parents house and then speaking with my brother and sister, but I want to give you all an update as well.

My appointment was at 10:45 this morning (Wednesday morning, November 24th) and unfortunately Joel couldn't come with me as he is at a work function in Regina, so my friend Michelle came along with me instead.  Michelle just happened to already know Dr. Lau as she is a research nurse and has worked with him in the past.  It was nice to know from her that he was a very patient and kind man who would take the time necessary with me and not rush through things.  She was totally right.  He was awesome and so was she.  I can't thank her enough for coming with me and making herself available to me while Joel was away.  Thanks Michelle!!!

Anyway, he started off by showing me the CT images of my kidney.  Doesn't mean much to someone like you or I, but I got to see them and he explained as best he could about them and showed me where the tumor was on my kidney. 

He went on to explain that they couldn't tell for sure what it was unless it was removed and examined by a pathologist (doctors who study and diagnose disease).  Biopsies on kidneys aren't particularly effective and are rarely used because they can give a lot of false negatives - showing that you don't have cancer when you actually might.  So, they remove them - pretty much all of them.  Mine is to be no different.  I will have surgery.  The mass and part or all of my left kidney will be removed.

Kidney masses/tumors/growths - whatever you want to call them - mine included - have a bad rap, and for good reason.  In my particular case, given the size of the tumor, my age, and overall health etc. there is about a 70% that it is malignant (cancerous).  If it were kidney cancer and it spread to other parts of the body (metastisizes), traditional cancer fighting therapies like chemotherapy and radiation do not work. 

That being said, there is some really good news in my particular case.  My tumor is very small.  About an inch around.  Whatever it is was caught by fluke, and also caught very early.  I had a chest x-ray done at my Urologist appointment - it was normal - if it is something that can spread - it hasn't.  For these reasons we have to be extremely thankful.  Also, because the tumor is so small, they can do a laprascopic surgery, meaning 4 very small incisions (no bigger than about 1cm each) are made to insert a camera and the surgical equipement.  This means quicker recovery for me.  With this type of surgery there is always the chance that they might have to convert to an open surgery (traditional/old school/normal surgery with a larger incision and more healing time etc) if there were any complications during the laprascopic process.  My surgery will likely be sometime in January although I don't know a specific date just yet. 

Chemo is only ever used on cancers that have spread, so even if it was effective in treatment of kidney cancer, I wouldn't need it, and I'm also happy that I won't need radiation.  I won't lose my hair, I won't destroy my immune system... I'll just have surgery - a surgery that the Saskatoon Urologists do often and have lots of experience with.

The thing about kidney cancer is that if it is caught early, it's one of the more "ideal" cancers to have, because they cut it out and you're basically cured.  Even if they remove my entire kidney, I have another one that works just fine and can more than manage to do it's duties for the rest of the 70ish more years I intend to live.  It is when kidney cancers are caught late and have spread, the outcome can be much worse and 5 year survival rates go from about 95% to as bad as 5%.

One interesting thing I thought of today was that by the time I know 'what I have' - I won't have it anymore! And for some reason to me, that seems pretty good.  Say if it is cancer - by the time I know it's cancer, I won't have cancer anymore.  It will be totally removed in the surgery.  I'll just be tired and pretty sore with 3 - 6 weeks of unwanted and unpaid time off work... and we were getting so close to paying off our last loan!

Anyway, I'm doing okay - better than I thought I would considering I found out less than 12 hours ago.  Maybe I'm still in denial, but I don't really think so - I just think I've already accepted it because my mind went to worst case scenario after my CT Scan 3 weeks ago.  Don't get me wrong - the actual surgery scares me more right now than whatever it is that might be every slowly growing inside of me to be quite honest.  The thought of a catheter that I'll have for a day or so toally grosses me out, and I read they're uncomfortable, and I'm not super stoked to have 4 little reminder scars on my belly and left side for years to come. 

The hardest part though is yet to come.  I cannot imagine the worry I am going to cause my family when I tell them about all of this on the weekend.  More than anything, I wish I didn't have to tell them.  I wish I didn't have to tell my mom that I might have the same cancer as her good friend - who wasn't so lucky as me to catch it early.

If anyone has questions, please let me know.  This can be scary for those of you that know me well too I'm sure and I'm happy to answer any questions that I can.  Please try to stay positive and remember that this is not necessarily cancer (30% chance!) even though what I talked about focuses largely on that diagnosis.  I tried to cover as much as I could, but I'm sure I forgot some important detail somewhere!  Email me or post a comment and I'll get back to you.

Luv, Kristie

Lest We Forget

Remembrance Day was yesterday.  I remember going to the school services through high school and our church would have a small ceremony on the Sunday nearest the 11th as well, but it wasn't until my adult life that it became an important day for me.  Meeting Joel and finding out he'd been in the Reserves and hearing about war and the Canadian Armed Forces from his experience and perspective kinda made the light go on in my head about all of the things that we should be eternally thankful to all of our Veterans (vets from WW1 right up to Afghanistan and into the future).  Joel also now works with several people that have also spent time in either the Reg force or Reserves of the Canadian Forces and that has helped me put a human connection to the stories.

The city that I live in has the largest indoor Remembrance Day ceremony in Canada.  This year there were over 7,500 people in attendance not counting the probably 500 people involved in the Ceremony (Veterans, presently serving Forces - some of whom are Veterans of Afghanistan and other wars and peacekeeping missions around the world, RCMP, City Police, Fire Department, all of the Cadets and a few other groups including the Army's Pipe and Drum Band who are super cool). 

Remembrance Day always reminds me how thankful I am to live in such a safe country and how thankful I am to the (far braver than I) members of our Canadian Forces both retired and in active duty roles.  It also reminds me of how very proud I am of this guy (the one on the right).

Not only did my husband and best friend spend time in the Reserves (although he did not go abroad on any tours of duty) but he is also a pretty darn good Firefighter and EMT/Paramedic.  He also happens to be the person responsible for his Fire Department even having an Honour Guard... and what an important group of people this is... paying tribute on days like Remembrance Day, at funerals of Firefighters both on current duty and those retired, and just adding that special and important touches to things like the annual Police/Fire Games, and Emergency Services Week's dinners with the government officials and things like that. So, to my husband "yer like pertty cool n' stuff".

Here are a few more images from Remembrance Day in no particular order (with captions below).

 The Cenotaph Guard... have to stand motionless through the whole

service and ceremony.  Somewhere around 2 hours.

Our local Army Reservists pictured in the front. 

Some of whom have served in Afghanistan.

Many of whom are younger than me.

Some WWII Veterans, marching past the cenotaph and two
Navy Forces personnel celebrating their 100th year in operation.

Fire and Protective Services Honour Guard at the Remembrance Day Service

Getting Ready for the ceremonies at a Fire Hall...

Listening intently to last minute instructions...

New firefighter happy to take part in the day

One of Joel's friends, RJ, served overseas with the Army Reserves (hense the extra medals on his uniform) and now helps teach drill (marching) to the Fire Department's Honour Guard

Ready for the day's ceremonies

Another Firefighter who has served our country laid the ceremonial wreath ...

unfortunately along with 500 groups that lay wreathes... okay 400. 
It takes a long time.



Just some of the members that took part in the
2010 Remembrance Day ceremonies!

Good Job Guys (and Girl not in photo)!!  I am very proud!

CT Scan Was Today =(

So, my CTScan was today.  They did have to give me the iodine based contrast agent so that stuff would show up better... so I got an IV and then they pushed in the iodine which causes your body to get really warm (especially noticed it in my face and upper torso).  Thankfully that's pretty much all it did as 1 in 200,000 people can suffer allergic reactions and worse from the injection.

All in all the procedure took about 10 maybe 15 minues and other than a tiny poke in my arm where the IV was, I'm no worse for wear.

They told me the results would be available to my doctor in 3 - 5 days... so I definitely wasn't expecting to hear anything today.

Shortly after 6:00, my family doctor called.  It's not Angiomyolipoma.  Turns out, there's no fat in it.  (Remember, that's the "lip" part of the word).  So, further digging is required, and that unfortunately, could fairly literally mean 'digging' as in they might have to do a biopsy.  Ugh.  That doesn't sound fun.

My doctor is still being optomistic - given my age and health and the fact that I'm a non-smoker etc etc means that the chances of it being something bad are still small.  That being said, worst case scenario is Renal Cell Carcinoma - a cancerous tumor in my kidney.  Seeing as it would be very unlikely that it would have spread, it is very cureable - I'd have a nephrectomy - surgery to totally remove my kidney.

So, I definitely get to go see the Urologist now... my appointment is for the 24th, but we'll see if it ends up getting bumped sooner.

That's all I've got for now... oh, and a picture of the CT Scanner that checked out my kidney is below!

Hurricane Simulator

Okay, so this was the lamest thing ever!  Top wind speed was 80km/hr - it barely puffed out his jacket and it certainly didn't drench him with torrential rain or anything.  Totally LAME... not really worth the $2.00!

Oh... and turns out BlogSpot doesn't like my new version of IE which is why I can't upload pictures, which is why I had to upload this picture at work.  LAME!!

Oh The Weather Outside Is Fritghtful

For my friends that live in shall we say slightly more tepid regions, I shall have you know that today, October 26, 2010, is the first snowy day of the season where we live... The snow may not be likely to stay right now, but that day does loom over our City drawing ever nearer.  Sigh.  I'm not big on cold.  Not at all.

**I wanted to put a picture here, but I can't get pictures to work** Stupid no pictures.  I'll have to ask my SMRT husband for help later.

I can't complain too much though.  I spent most of my day in an office where it is mostly warm.... (that's a whole other blog topic)... That being said - my lovely and ever hard working husband Joel was building a fence today.  Yup.  A Fence.  Standing outside in the wet snow and 45km/hr winds building a fence. No, not a fence for us (or a gate either I might add... again... that's a whole other blog topic), not a fence for a friend, a fence for a FasGas that's not even built yet.  Can't this fence wait until April?  I know it could if I were the one building it!

By the way - I plan on changing up my background lots.  Not with EVERY post, but there are so many to choose from, some that go with the theme of the post....  keeping it the same is dull, boring!  So if the look of my blog is changing as much as the look of my hair... you know you have the right blog.

Angiomyolipoma

If you Google this word, Wikipedia would tell you it is the most common benign tumour of the kidney and that they are composed of blood vessels, smooth muscle cells and fat cells.  If you read further, it goes on to tell you that they don't normally require surgery.  It says that small ones, and ones without dilated blood vessels (aneurysms) cause few problems, but that they can sometimes grow rapidly and that large ones or ones with aneurysms can sometimes haemorrhage or rupture.

Thursday I found out I have one of these.

This whole story starts way back to November 2009 when I was experiencing basically bladder infection symptoms - minus actually having a bladder infection.  I peed in so many test cups I lost count, but no bladder infection.  Finally on a full urine culture, there was some little lactobacillus bacteria that showed up... now whether this was a contaminated sample or not (there is a chance it could have been), we will never know, but the important part of the story - the CiproXL antibiotic that Dr. Parker prescribed worked and life went back to normal for 10 months.

In late August/early September, the symptoms were back... again, no bladder infection.  Peed in so many cups I lost count.  No lactobascillus this time either but exact same symptoms.  Dr. Parker decides I should have a pelvic and renal ultrasound and referred me to a Urologist since he can't help me any further.  On a whim, he prescribes me the CiproXL after my tears convinced him to give it a try since it worked last time on the same symptoms.  BINGO!  Worked again.  Life back to normal.  All of this, before I went for the ultrasounds or to see the Urologist.  Decided to keep my ultrasound appointment.  Not sure why - I suppose because I knew it was painless and couldn't hurt.

Monday, October 18th
2:40 - just finished drinking the 1500ml of water you are required to drink 1 hour before your pelvic ultrasound - and NO you can't pee - all that water has to be there for the test.
3:10 - Leave work.  Have to pee HORRIBLY badly.
3:20 - Waiting in parking lot to meet up with Joel.  Crying I have to pee so bad.
3:25 - Can't wait any longer for Joel, go in without him.  Strip nekked, put on gown, beg to be seen immediately
3:37 - Joel found me.  Get called in for ultrasounds.  Joel can't come with me.   :(
3:40 - Pelvic Ultrasound
3:45 - Get to go peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Longest and best pee of my life.
3:50 - Renal Ultrasound - Right Kidney... short and sweet, 1 ultrasound wand thingy used
3:52 - Renal Ultrasound - Left Kidney..... much longer... uses 3 different ultrasound wands...
4:00 - Ultrasound Tech informs me images are good and that results will be available to my doctor within 24hrs.

Tuesday - I hear nothing.

Wednesday, 20th
8:45am - The anticipated phone call from the doctors office.  He wants to see me.  Tomorrow.  Appointment for 8:30am.  Spend the day wondering, but not overly stressed to be honest.  One little blip of stressed where I let my imagination get the best of me... and it probably doesn't help that a good friend of my mom's was recently diagnosed with kidney cancer, but spent most of the day quite calm.

Thursday, 21st
8:30 - Doctor comes in the room and  has to review my records because he can't remember why he'd wanted to see me... at that moment, my mind tells me it either can't be that bad or he's a total idiot.

Angiomyolipoma.  Caught by fluke basically by my odd reasoning for not deciding to cancel my ultrasounds.  Has nothing to do with my cured infection.  Since the CiproXL worked, Dr, Parker has basically decided that a bacteria that urine cultures don't test for was causing the symptoms.  No biggie, he'll give me some more CiproXL in case it shows up again, end of story, moving on....

Angiomyolipoma. Sounds worse than it is he assures. Angio for blood vessels, myo for muscle, lip for fat... and the part he left out "oma" for tumor... or "mass" as he explained it.  He let me know that the radiologist that reviewed it can't rule out the 'bad' things although highly unlikely (you know, things like cancer), without a CT scan.  Doctor assures me that the radiologist is being overly cautious, covering his butt... but off I will go in 3 - 4 weeks for a radiation filled CT test possibly with a contrast dye that could in worst case scenarios actually damage my kidney - to check to see if there is something wrong in my kidney, or if the tumor can just be left alone until the day I die from old age - which the doctor assures me is the most likely outcome of this whole thing.  That the tumor will remain for the most part unchanged in my kidney for the rest of my life causing me no health concerns - but will be just one more thing to add to Kristie's list of abnormailites.  Geographic Tongue, Heart Murmur, and now Angiomyolipoma. 

Don't get me wrong... there are questions I forgot to ask.  Questions I want to know the answers to and that the internet isn't helping with.  Questions like what might have caused me to get this thing in the first place? How do we know if this thing gets any bigger?  Will I go for annual ultrasounds to monitor it?  How big is this tumor right now and how likely is it to get bigger? To cause what Wikipedia says can be a life threatening haemorrhage...?!

I'll see my doctor again after my CT, which I have yet to hear a specific date for, other than 3-4 weeks.  I'll ask the questions then and if there's anything worth writing about, I'll let ya know.